19. 11. 2021

I am about to go to my night shift at the hospital. I am still in Dorchester, it has been over a year!

So far I dated Jamie for 6/12 and broke up. He meets all the criteria for a narcissist and in a way that relationship took a toll. It was painful but actually opened up so many questions about my own childhood, my life and my own inner world. Why did I let him in? 

Therapy helped. 

Now here I am 4 days into my 32nd year - I have a new boyfriend. Will. Who is a different breed, he is kind but inexperienced. I feel like I am making sense of myself again, some new questions in me have arisen. 

As for this year. I can feel the stress mounting up with surgical exams, I can feel the uneasiness already! I need to manage myself. 

So dear stress, I can handle you. If I fail this, then fine, it was an excuse to fly home anyway. I am grateful for this year in England. It gave me the opportunity I wanted, to really work in A&E (ironically I said no matter how hard it is) and locum to earn extra money. So it has been a worthwhile year, for my career but even more so, for my personal growth. I have started a painful journey into understanding myself. I keep having to remind myself, with pain comes growth... 

I need to take a deep sigh. Just keep reading this bloody Eckhart Tolle meditation book. Then just keep trying. It feels so hard and I sometimes feel so alone. Yet if I just remember, how good the world is, and how much I can look forward to my own family (be that a work family or my own) then I just need to keep on. I am proud of myself for getting this job done, despite it being lockdown, new country, new job and an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Here I fucking am. On the otherside of 32 years. I am about to buy 3 houses (well apartments) and renovate them. I am about to specialise (GP or surgery, who knows) and I have made a better choice in partner (time will tell, but my gut tells me it's right). 

So good luck for this year, I hope I learn some self compassion. It seems trickier than I thought, that balance of tough love and nurturing. Let that be my mantra for this year, self compassion. 

work time!!!